@emilyseatingtacos

11:59 A.M.

Sno’ Witty™ woke up at 11:59 a.m., preserving her legal right to say she had gotten up in the morning.

Her phone had seventeen notifications.

This was already excessive diplomacy.

One of them read:

CALENDAR EVENT: UNITED NATIONS HIGH-LEVEL MEETING

Sno’ blinked.

She opened it.

Then closed it.

Then opened it again in case geography had changed.

It had not.

United Nations Headquarters.

New York.

10:00 A.M.

Sno’ checked the time.

12:01.

“Excellent.”

She had already missed international peace.

Houdini climbed onto the couch beside her.

“You’ll have to handle Luxembourg.”

He sneezed.

Leadership.

The Invitation

The email began:

Dear Distinguished Participant,

Sno’ stopped reading.

She was not distinguished.

She had once eaten shredded cheese over the sink because every plate in the house felt administratively unnecessary.

The message continued.

Apparently Sno’ had been invited to attend a special session concerning:

Emerging Technology, Artificial Intelligence, Public Trust and Global Cooperation.

Sno’ read this twice.

This was either extremely important or LinkedIn had escaped containment.

At the bottom:

PLEASE BRING GOVERNMENT-ISSUED IDENTIFICATION.

Reasonable.

BUSINESS ATTIRE REQUESTED.

Less reasonable.

INTERPRETATION AVAILABLE IN SIX OFFICIAL LANGUAGES.

Sno’ nodded.

Finally.

An organization appropriately staffed for one of her conversations.

Arrival

The United Nations building looked exactly like the sort of building where someone could use the phrase “multilateral framework” before coffee.

Sno’ entered security.

“Purpose of visit?”

“Still unclear.”

The guard waited.

“Conference?”

“Apparently.”

“Delegation?”

“Emotionally independent.”

The guard looked at her credential.

It read:

CIVIL SOCIETY PARTICIPANT

Sno’ looked at it too.

“That feels ambitious.”

He waved her through.

The General Assembly

Sno’ entered the chamber and immediately understood the United Nations.

It was an international group chat.

Except everyone had a microphone.

Tiny earpieces.

Nameplates.

Procedural rules.

And nuclear weapons.

A speaker was discussing global cooperation.

Sno’ put in the translation headset.

A calm voice said:

“Member States must work collectively to establish interoperable governance structures…”

Sno’ removed the headset.

Same problem, different voice.

She looked around.

Every country had a desk.

Every desk had a button.

Sno’ did not know what the button did.

This meant she desperately wanted to press it.

She did not.

Growth.

Agenda Item 4

The chair announced:

Agenda Item Four: Artificial Intelligence, Safety, Development and Global Governance.

Sno’ sat up.

Finally.

Something she had opinions about.

A delegate spoke for twelve minutes about responsible technological development.

Another called for international cooperation.

Another warned about unequal access.

Another emphasized innovation.

Another emphasized safety.

Someone used the phrase “inclusive multistakeholder ecosystem.”

Sno’ wrote it down.

Not because she understood it.

Because she wanted to use it later while arguing with a utility company.

Then the chair said:

“We now invite civil society participants to offer brief interventions.”

Sno’ looked around.

Someone pointed toward her.

No.

Absolutely not.

A microphone illuminated.

Her name appeared on the screen.

MS. SNO’ WITTY

International law had made a clerical error.

Sno’ Addresses the United Nations

Sno’ leaned toward the microphone.

“Hi.”

The room waited.

Hundreds of people.

Interpretation booths.

Diplomats.

Advisers.

Staff.

Security.

Several thousand years of geopolitical complication.

Sno’ continued.

“So are we regulating the AI, or are we still in the part where everyone writes forty-seven principles and then makes a PDF?”

Silence.

Somewhere behind her, someone coughed.

The interpretation booths began translating Sno’.

This was now everybody’s problem.

She continued.

“Because humans do this thing where we invent something, immediately connect it to everything, give corporations six months, governments twelve committees, and regular people a checkbox that says they’ve read the terms.”

A delegate lowered his glasses.

Sno’ gained confidence.

This was unfortunate.

“And then three years later everyone acts surprised.”

A few people laughed.

Not enough to establish whether this was diplomacy.

Sno’ looked toward the giant U.N. emblem.

“Also, I keep hearing ‘human-centered AI.’”

She paused.

“Have we met humans?”

More laughter.

A delegate covered his mouth.

Sno’ pointed gently toward the room.

“No offense.”

The interpreters translated “no offense” into six languages.

Historic.

Lunch

The cafeteria had flags, diplomats and a sandwich Sno’ could not financially or philosophically justify.

She bought coffee.

At the next table, two people were discussing international AI standards.

Sno’ overheard:

“We need consensus.”

This appeared to be the central operating system of the United Nations.

Someone says:

We need consensus.

Then 193 countries discover they have follow-up questions.

Sno’ opened her phone.

She had an email.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTERVENTION.

Oh no.

A second email arrived.

REQUEST FOR PARTICIPATION IN FOLLOW-UP WORKING GROUP

No.

A third.

INVITATION: CIVIL SOCIETY ROUNDTABLE ON RESPONSIBLE AI

Sno’ put the phone facedown.

A man wearing a conference badge approached.

“Your remarks were refreshing.”

“Thank you.”

“Would you consider joining our afternoon consultation?”

“No.”

“Excellent. I’ll have someone send you the materials.”

This was apparently how international agreements happened.

The Working Group

At 3:10 p.m., Sno’ was seated at a circular table beside representatives from academia, government, nonprofits, technology companies and one person whose badge simply said:

SPECIAL ADVISER

Special to whom remained unclear.

A facilitator displayed a slide:

BUILDING GLOBAL TRUST IN AI

Underneath were six circles connected by arrows.

Sno’ stared at the diagram.

“Is this governance?”

The facilitator smiled.

“It’s a framework.”

“Ah.”

Worse.

Participants were asked to identify principles for responsible AI.

Transparency.

Accountability.

Safety.

Fairness.

Human oversight.

Privacy.

Sno’ raised her hand.

“Yes?”

“Can we add ‘somebody has to actually be responsible when it breaks’?”

The facilitator paused.

Then typed:

CLEAR ACCOUNTABILITY MECHANISMS

Sno’ watched her sentence become institutional.

“That is not what I said.”

But it was too late.

Her thought had entered diplomacy.

Dinner

By 7:00 p.m., Sno’ had accidentally contributed to three breakout sessions, one informal consultation and a draft statement.

She had received four badges.

She no longer knew which one permitted her to leave.

A final session began.

The moderator summarized the day.

“We have heard a clear call for practical accountability, accessible governance and greater public participation.”

Sno’ looked around.

Who had called for all that?

Then one of her own sentences appeared on the screen.

Not exactly.

Institutionally.

Her:

Somebody has to actually be responsible when it breaks.

The United Nations:

Stakeholders emphasized the importance of establishing clear lines of accountability across the AI lifecycle.

Sno’ stared at it.

“That’s plagiarism with a pension.”

The woman beside her laughed so hard she removed her headset.

Closing Session

The chair thanked the participants.

“We leave today with much work ahead.”

Sno’ respected this.

It was the first completely accurate statement she had heard all day.

Everyone applauded.

Sno’ applauded too because apparently nothing had been solved, but everybody had worked extremely hard identifying the categories of why.

As she left the chamber, she passed the giant U.N. emblem.

A staff member handed her a folder.

Inside were:

• a summary document,
• a draft framework,
• a stakeholder survey,
• two invitations,
• one consultation schedule,
• and a QR code requesting feedback about the feedback process.

Sno’ stared at it.

She had entered the building as a woman who woke up at 11:59.

She was leaving as civil society.

Outside, New York continued operating without consensus.

Her phone buzzed.

SUBJECT: FOLLOW-UP CONSULTATION — YOUR VOICE MATTERS

Sno’ deleted it.

A second email arrived.

SUBJECT: REMINDER — YOUR VOICE MATTERS

She deleted that too.

A third appeared.

SUBJECT: FINAL REMINDER — YOUR VOICE MATTERS

Sno’ stopped walking.

She looked back at the United Nations.

Then at her phone.

Then at the United Nations again.

“Respectfully,” she said to 193 countries,

“I have already given humanity my afternoon.”

And Sno’ Witty™ went home.

The international community would have to circle back.