EPISODE 002: THE CHICAGO MARATHON
🌪️ 55,000 Runners, Three Squirrels, and a Congressional Weather Emergency
Sunday, October 11, 2026
The Department of Unsolicited Observations
By tacocatjustice | A Sno’ Witty™ Production
BREAKING NEWS: Chicago is preparing for a storm. Unfortunately for Congress, it appears to be made entirely of people wearing running shoes.
🍳 BREAKFAST
7:00 A.M. — A STORM IS COMING. POSSIBLY WEARING SPANDEX.
Sno’ Witty™ woke up Sunday morning to the sound of a weather alert.
Not on her phone.
Not on the television.
Houdini was barking at the window.
This was not unusual. Houdini had previously reported several dangerous developments in the neighborhood, including a suspicious leaf, a recycling bin that moved four inches, and a squirrel who had been violating the property line since Thursday.
But this morning was different.
Chicago was preparing for the annual marathon.
55,000 runners.
Twenty-six point two miles.
Twenty-nine neighborhoods.
An estimated million spectators.
All voluntarily participating in something that Sno’ considered an elaborate violation of Sunday morning.
According to the National Weather Service, Chicago could expect sunshine, temperatures climbing into the low 70s, and only a small chance of precipitation.
This was confusing.
Earlier forecasts had suggested remnants of a tropical storm might interfere with the marathon.
Sno’ examined the updated forecast.
Then the race map.
Then the forecast again.
“Someone,” she informed the dogs, “has mistaken a marathon for an evacuation.”
Bane lifted his head.
Houdini continued barking.
A squirrel climbed a tree.
Sno’ interpreted this as confirmation from three independent sources.
THE STORM HAD BEEN CONFIRMED.
Not a rainstorm.
A PEOPLE STORM.
And it was expected to make landfall in Grant Park at approximately 7:20 a.m.
Unfortunately, the federal government had already been notified.
🚨 7:14 A.M. — CONGRESS CONVENES AN EMERGENCY SESSION
The United States Congress had assembled to investigate an alarming development.
Thousands of American citizens were planning to run.
On purpose.
Without being chased.
Representative Harold P. Waffles, Chairman of the Subcommittee on Unnecessary Physical Exertion, demanded an explanation.
“Are these people fleeing a natural disaster?”
“No, Congressman.”
“Are they being pursued by wild animals?”
“No.”
“Have they committed crimes?”
“Not that we’re aware of.”
“Then why are they running?”
A lengthy silence followed.
An aide whispered something about personal achievement.
Congressman Waffles removed his glasses.
“Personal achievement?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Have we considered giving them certificates BEFORE they run?”
The committee adjourned for seventeen minutes to investigate.
Meanwhile, Sno’ Witty™ was conducting her own scientific research.
She had placed a running shoe in front of Bane.
Bane sniffed it.
Then lay down.
Control group: normal.
Houdini stole the shoe.
Experimental group: inconclusive.
A squirrel immediately pursued Houdini.
Unexpected variable: organized crime.
Sno’ began taking notes.
🥪 LUNCH
12:03 P.M. — THE SQUIRRELS HAVE FILED AN INJUNCTION
By lunchtime, the marathon had transformed Chicago into a spectacular demonstration of human determination.
And squirrel inconvenience.
Road closures were preventing several squirrels from accessing their usual nut-storage facilities.
One particularly aggressive squirrel, identified only as Gerald, had retained legal counsel.
His attorney, another squirrel, argued that the marathon violated his client’s constitutional right to cross the street whenever he pleased.
The judge asked whether squirrels had constitutional rights.
Gerald threw an acorn at the bench.
Proceedings were temporarily suspended.
Sno’ Witty™ found the entire situation fascinating.
Fifty-five thousand humans had spent months training their bodies to cover 26.2 miles.
Meanwhile, Gerald could sprint up a tree in three seconds but couldn’t remember where he buried his lunch.
Evolution, Sno’ concluded, appeared to have distributed intelligence using a raffle system.
🌡️ THE WEATHER DEPARTMENT HAS QUESTIONS
The National Weather Service was forecasting temperatures around 60°F early in the morning, rising toward 72°F in the afternoon.
Which meant the marathon would begin with comfortable running conditions and become warmer as the day progressed.
This is important because running produces body heat.
And body heat makes people sweat.
And sweating removes water and salts from the body.
In scientific terminology, this is called thermoregulation.
In Sno’ terminology:
THE HUMAN BODY IS A SELF-HEATING POTATO WITH A BUILT-IN SPRINKLER SYSTEM.
Sno’ attempted to explain this to Houdini.
Houdini was busy investigating a sandwich.
Bane remained asleep.
Gerald the squirrel had organized a press conference.
“WHY,” demanded Gerald, standing on a picnic table, “DO HUMANS NEED TWENTY-SIX MILES?”
A reporter explained that completing a marathon represented discipline, perseverance, and endurance.
Gerald considered this.
“Have they tried simply being squirrels?”
The reporter declined to comment.
Meanwhile, Congress introduced the Marathon Accountability and Squirrel Transportation Act of 2026.
The proposed legislation contained three important provisions:
- All runners must provide written justification for traveling farther than the nearest grocery store.
- Squirrels must receive reasonable access to public trees.
- Any person voluntarily running 26.2 miles must be evaluated for possible confusion about the location of their vehicle.
The bill passed the Committee on Recreational Suspicion.
Unfortunately, no one could determine which department was responsible for enforcing it.
Congress scheduled another hearing.
Naturally.
🍽️ DINNER
6:42 P.M. — CHICAGO SURVIVES. CONGRESS REQUESTS MORE FUNDING.
By evening, the city was beginning to recover from the annual invasion of athletic ambition.
The runners had completed their extraordinary undertaking.
The spectators had cheered.
The volunteers had distributed water.
And thousands of people had demonstrated that human beings are capable of remarkable things when they work toward a difficult goal.
Sno’ Witty™ considered this.
She genuinely admired the runners.
Running a marathon required months of preparation, discipline, resilience, and the ability to keep moving when every muscle in the body began submitting resignation letters.
That was impressive.
However, Sno’ had one remaining concern.
The marathon was 26.2 miles long.
Not 26.
Not 27.
Twenty-six point two.
“WHO,” demanded Sno’, “FINISHED RUNNING TWENTY-SIX MILES AND DECIDED EVERYBODY NEEDED TO GO ANOTHER TWO-TENTHS?”
Congress launched an investigation.
A historian patiently explained that the modern marathon distance was standardized at 26 miles and 385 yards, following the distance used at the 1908 London Olympics.
Sno’ stared at the historian.
“So you’re telling Sno’ that for more than a century, people have been running an extra 385 yards because somebody in England thought that was a reasonable idea?”
“Essentially.”
“Was the person consulted wearing running shoes?”
“Probably not.”
“OF COURSE NOT.”
Sno’ immediately drafted a letter to Parliament.
It was addressed:
TO WHOMEVER INVENTED THE UNNECESSARY FINAL 385 YARDS:
The Department of Unsolicited Observations requests an explanation.
Preferably delivered by someone who has already run 26 miles.
On foot.
Without snacks.
Regards,
Sno’ Witty™
🐕 THE DOGS ISSUE THEIR FINAL REPORT
Houdini had spent the entire day patrolling the living room.
Total distance: approximately 4.7 miles.
Threats investigated: eleven.
Actual threats: zero.
Sandwiches stolen: one.
Bane had spent the day conserving energy.
Total distance: approximately fourteen feet.
Threats investigated: zero.
Naps completed: six.
Bane was unanimously declared the winner.
Gerald the squirrel appealed the decision.
Congress demanded a recount.
Sno’ Witty™ rejected both complaints.
She had finally reached her verdict.
🎤 THE SNO’ WITTY™ FINAL VERDICT
After reviewing the weather, the marathon, the squirrels, the dogs, the congressional hearings, and the historical justification for the final 385 yards, Sno’ reached three conclusions.
First, the human body is capable of extraordinary endurance.
Second, the human mind is capable of extraordinary determination.
And third…
THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT COULD LEARN SOMETHING FROM PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY FINISH A 26-MILE PROJECT.
Fifty-five thousand people trained for months, showed up on schedule, followed a plan, and crossed the finish line.
Congress had spent the same amount of time debating whether squirrels needed identification cards.
Sno’ closed her notebook.
Houdini barked.
Bane farted.
Gerald announced his candidacy for governor.
And somewhere in Chicago, a marathon runner was trying to stand up from a chair.
Sno’ Witty™ issued her final statement:
“Apparently, America CAN accomplish something difficult when everybody agrees on the destination.”
She paused.
“Perhaps Congress should start running.”
🎤 MIC. DROP.
The squirrel has requested a recount of the microphone.
© 2026 tacocatjustice | Sno’ Witty™
The Department of Unsolicited Observations
Where reality is investigated, nonsense is cross-examined, and squirrels have legal representation.
Reality check: The Chicago Marathon is scheduled for Sunday, October 11, 2026. The latest National Weather Service forecast calls for sunshine, a high near 72°F, and about a 10% precipitation chance—not an actual severe storm. The earlier tropical-storm concern is real, but this episode’s storm of runners, congressional proceedings, legal squirrels, and dog investigations are satire. Race details come from the official Chicago Marathon website, with weather context from the National Weather Service. Bank of America Chicago Marathon
/SNOWITTY* /episode* canon updated: Breakfast → Lunch → Dinner. Third-person Sno’. Dogs, squirrels, congressional absurdity, chaotic-but-coherent storytelling, jokes with layers, and a final mic drop.
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