@emilyseatingtacos

Episode 003 of some series somewhere.

BREAKFAST: The Department of Human Resources

Sno’ Witty™️ awoke Monday morning to discover that her household had failed its quarterly performance review.

This was concerning because nobody in the household was employed.

Nevertheless, she had spent Monday evening distributing anonymous employee satisfaction surveys.

The dogs received two copies each.

The squirrels received one collectively, citing budget constraints.

Congress received a 14-page questionnaire entitled “Are You Absolutely Certain You Should Be Doing This?”

By breakfast, the results were in.

EMPLOYEE SATISFACTION SURVEY — CONFIDENTIAL

Employee #001: The Dog

What could management improve?

“Management has repeatedly described the kitchen as ‘closed’ despite clear evidence of food preparation.”

Employee #002: The Squirrel

Do you feel valued in your current role?

“No. The bird feeder has been reclassified as theft.”

Employee #003: Congress

Would you recommend this workplace to a friend?

“Please define workplace.”

Sno’ Witty adjusted her spectacles.

She didn’t wear spectacles.

She’d borrowed them from a squirrel who had recently completed an online MBA.

“Disturbing,”

she whispered to absolutely nobody.

LUNCH: The Performance Improvement Plan

By noon, Sno’ Witty had summoned the entire workforce to an emergency meeting.

One dog attended voluntarily.

The other attended because someone opened a cheese wrapper.

The squirrels sent legal representation.

A pigeon from Human Resources perched on the windowsill and immediately requested maternity leave.

“First,”

Sno’ Witty announced.

she waited for clapping.

After hearing crickets she continued:

“I want everyone to understand this is a safe space for honest feedback.”

The squirrel raised a paw.

“You threatened to relocate our entire department yesterday.”

“That was a restructuring proposal.”

“You called it Operation Get Off My Roof.”

“INTERNAL WORKING TITLE.”

The dog interrupted.

“Why are there no snacks?”

Sno’ Witty consulted the employee handbook.

There was no employee handbook.

She made a note to discipline whoever was responsible.

Unfortunately, that was her.

She issued herself a written warning.

Then appealed it.

Then denied the appeal.

Then filed a complaint against Human Resources for creating a hostile work environment.

The pigeon resigned.

DINNER: The Congressional Investigation

At 6:42 p.m., Sno’ Witty™️ received an official-looking envelope.

Inside was a notice:

UNITED STATES SENATE

Committee on Unauthorized Management Activities

SUBJECT: YOU.

Apparently Congress had objected to Question 17 of her survey:

“On a scale of 1 to 10, how much taxpayer money could be saved if everyone simply went home?”

A senator demanded an explanation.

Sno’ Witty appeared via video conference wearing a charcoal cape, holding a squirrel, and sitting beneath a framed certificate reading:

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH — SELF-NOMINATED.

“Ms. Witty,” the senator began, “who authorized these evaluations?”

“Nobody.”

“And who appointed you director of Human Resources?”

“Myself.”

“Are you even running a business?”

“No, Senator. Which is why our overhead is excellent.”

There was silence.

“Ms. Witty, do you understand the seriousness of this hearing?”

“Absolutely. I’ve prepared feedback forms for everyone on the committee.”

The senator opened his envelope.

Areas For Improvement:

Listening.

Accountability.

Basic comprehension of squirrels.

The squirrel nodded solemnly.

The dog ate the subpoena.

And somewhere in Washington, the Department of Labor opened an investigation into a company that did not exist.

🎤 MIC DROP

The following morning, Sno’ Witty™️ received her own anonymous employee feedback form.

Question: What is the biggest problem with management?

Someone had written:

“She keeps asking for feedback and then arguing with it.”

Sno’ Witty™️ studied the answer.

Circled it in red.

And wrote beneath it:

“Employee clearly lacks leadership potential.”

She promoted herself.

Again.

— Sno’ Witty™️