Dateline: Mall of America, or possibly the eighth circle of hell — same vibe, different pretzel stands.

Date: Today, obviously. Because bad escalators wait for no one.

Dateline: Mall of America, or possibly the eighth circle of hell — same vibe, different pretzel stands.

Morning: The Incident

The escalator snapped.

Not like a dramatic movie scene — more like a middle manager in therapy muttering, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Shoppers screamed. A latte flew through the air like a caffeinated dove of peace. Someone dropped a Cinnabon in slow motion.

Bane stared, unimpressed. Houdini? Already chewing the evidence.

“Escalators are supposed to elevate humanity. This one… descended into chaos.”

Late Morning: The FBI Arrives

Three agents in suits show up like they’re auditioning for Men in Black: Mall Cop Edition.

Agent #1: “We’re here to investigate a possible act of terror.”

Agent #2: “Or sabotage.”

Agent #3: “Or bad maintenance, but don’t quote me.”

The escalator groans ominously, as if to say, “Check the union contract.”

Bane sighs. Houdini tries to steal a badge.

“If the FBI arrests the escalator, can we all go home?”

Afternoon: Public Panic & Mall Philosophy

News crews arrive. Reporters speak in hushed tones, as if narrating a nature documentary on suburban despair.

“The creature known as Homo mallratensis is confused, frightened, and forced to use… the stairs.”

Children cry. A man screams about conspiracy theories and gluten. Someone starts a TikTok dance titled #EscalatorGate.

“Society is only nine steps away from collapse — and they’re all on this escalator.”

Evening: Resolution & Existential Crisis

FBI declares the escalator “mechanically compromised but emotionally stable.”

Press conference quote:

“The escalator will be placed on administrative leave pending investigation.”

The nation exhales. The mall resumes capitalism. A new Cinnabon bakes in the distance, as if nothing happened.

Bane stares into the horizon. Houdini licks frosting off FBI shoes.

“Civilization didn’t fall today. But it tripped. Hard.”

CTA / Merch Plug -> empty because I don’t have merch.

Survive the next public transit disaster in style.

Subscribe to Sno’ Witty™ for weekly chaos updates, because society isn’t gonna roast itself.